THINK YOU KNOW ME, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE START OF IT…
My Knee
13.06.10 - the day everything went down hill, it was just a normal sunday, out the back garden, playing with my little cousins and having a laugh, then around my knee, dislocated, this was the second time, so I knew what would happen, even though this time it was way worse then I’d ever though….
Knee & Panic-attacks
I started going to Physio and it was going all good, but then the physio gave up on me and sent me to different places, and for a few months, I never done any physio or anything like that! Then like the end of November, beginning of December, I went back to Physio, again everything was going fine. Then on 15.12.10, I had a massive panic attack, people don’t think they are a big deal, but trust me they are one of the worst things ever! When you have one, they never go away!
Depression & not going out
Then, I never went back to physio and till this day, I haven’t! So the end of 2010 and most of 2011 was utter shit! I never went out, but at the time, it was normal, I didn’t see anything wrong with it! Obviously, I now see it wasn’t normal! Nurses, doctors and physiologists, came and gone, and I really didn’t want to see any of them, well to be honest, I never wanted to see anyone, I just wanted to be on my own! My mum knew that something was wrong, and told my GP, that she thought, I had depression, (my mum has depression as well, that’s why she suggested it!) but the doctor said she was wrong.
CAMHS
Then around October, Karen (my nurse) came and at first I wouldn’t even look at her and as time went on, I would start even looking up! Then she brought, a doctor from the clinic, who gave me antidepressants, and ever since then, I haven’t really been down, I mean I do have down days once in a while, but before that, everyday was a down day, if that makes sense ? And they came at the right time, because I ain’t going to lie, I was thinking about self harming myself and even killing myself/committing suicide. Lucky I never, did, and I haven’t had those thoughts again. Trust me! I was in a dark please, at that time, and thought that I should just give up and lucky I didn’t!
So then after that, I met Simon (my physiologist) who just talks about how I am feeling and what me and Karen do and talk about, when she comes over! Then with their help, I would start going down the stairs (because the only time, I would go down stairs, would be for the toilet! and I just stayed in my bedroom all the time) and then sitting on the couch in the living room, for most of the day, cos I obviously don’t go to school, and then I started going out the back garden, for most people all this isn’t very big, but for me it was! And then like a month ago, I’ve started to go out the front, and going out with Karen, to like mcdonalds drive-thru, Tescos, pollok park and today the clinic! and I also went to my aunt’s house, for my little cousin’s holy communion! To the ‘average’ person that isn’t anything but for me, that is massive!
NOW
On the knee front, I still cannot bend it, because I am still scared of it really!
I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic-attacks but I have tablets for my depression, my anxiety is always there, but I’m learning how to control it and my panic-attacks, I don’t have as many, one in every so often compared to last year, I have at least one every day and I can control them, when I do have one!
So I just wanna say thanks to Simon, Karen and CAMHS for putting up with me and helping me, I really don’t think I would be on Earth anymore if it wasn’t for them! And also the internet, helped me too! Just people being nice and you kind of have the thing, that nobody knows who are, unless you want them to know!
QUESTIONS?
Any questions, just ask, I don’t mind talking about it, so anything you wanna know about me or anything, please don’t hesitate!
One last note!
Never ever! make fun of someone because they have depression/anxiety/panic-attacks etc. because you don’t know what they are going through, until you go through it yourself! actually just don’t make fun of anyone or bully them or send them hurtful messages etc.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!
My Stuff :
Tumblr : sarahmcfadyen.tumblr.com
Twitter : @BYEsarah_
Instagram : @sarahmcfadyen_
Email : sarahmcfadyen16@gmail.com
Facebook : facebook.com/sarahmcfadyenx
